A TRUE STORY

I had an eight year old boy in one of the martial arts classes I taught. He had been a model student during his time in class and he had never been a discipline problem. He did everything that was asked of him. He demonstrated self-control, and he demonstrated the proper respect to me and to the other teachers. He got along with the other students as well. Imagine my surprise when I asked his mother how she came to have a cast on her wrist. Her tale of woe was straight out of a Steven King novel--and her son was the chief antagonist.

The cast, she told me, was the result of a fall she took on a city sidewalk; the fall, precipitated by a push from her eight year old son.

This woman spent the next twenty minutes telling me the story of a boy who would throw knives at her if she showered with the bathroom door closed, for example. She told me how he once tried pushing her in front of an oncoming bus. She told me of the five councilors she'd been to, in an effort to find guidance for herself and for her son. Nothing she did seemed to work, and I could feel the desperation in her voice and in her demeanor--she was at an end as to what she could do.

I asked her if the boy's dad was in the child's life--perhaps he could assist in correcting this bad situation. "No" she said. Dad doesn't come around, she had to do everything by herself. I next asked what the councilors had recommended to correct such behavior. The mom told me that the councilors recommend she tell the child how this behavior hurts her and how it effects her; in other words, "explain" to the child her displeasure. I also asked if the idea of spanking were ever mentioned or recommended. "No", she said, "no ones ever recommended that."

After a moment of silence I told her that if her situation did not change soon she may face deadly consequences by the time the boy reached thirteen years old, and that training him in the martial arts at this time was not the answer to her problem (many single parents look upon martial arts teachers as surrogate parents for their children).

Then it became my turn to tell her a story.

"I can't tell you what to do," I told her, "but I can tell you what I'd do. At the first sign of disrespect, or of bad attitude from my children, I'd slap them so hard the would spin. That's me. That's what I would do in my house."
I continued, "But I'm not telling you what to do in your house. I'd take back control of my child because I'm the adult--the one in charge. But you do as you wish in your house."

I didn't see her or her son for two weeks, and I wondered if they were okay. I hoped things were improving and that she was not already dead.

They both came in on the third week. Her son took a class and I got to talk to his mom. She seemed to be more upbeat compared to our last talk and she told me she was back in charge of her house. It seems she slapped him silly a time or two and reclaimed her right as a parent and not simply a victim of parental abuse. That was the last time I saw them.

If there is a moral here it's that many parents give up their adult responsibilities to their children. Parents who will ask if the child wants to go on family vacation, or if it's okay for mom or dad to do something or go somewhere. Since when have we, as adults, started asking permission of children for anything? When did we place them in this reversed role? The children need guidance from the parents--it won't work if parents seek guidance from children. We can't give children authority, liberty, and powers they can not understand or respect.

When parents give up their rights to their children, is it any wonder chaos ensues? In a world so hung up on child abuse, is anyone advocating for those parents who, not knowing any better, are suffering parental abuse--as this woman had?

The moral? Children are immature--they don't know as much as adults-- so don't ask them, guide them. Guide them to self-control. Guide them toward respect, education, and kindness. But guide them.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but if it were me...I would take control.

There may come a time when everything we've tried fails. When that time comes we must not throw up our hands in defeat and walk away. We must do whatever we can to ensure the safety of our children and of our households.